Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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