You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Your penis caused this!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
