Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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