I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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