Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
