I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
