Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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