You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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