Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
