i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
