i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
