Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
