I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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