Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
