The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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