is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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