I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
