One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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