Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
