I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
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You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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