Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
