I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
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I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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