I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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