I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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