He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My life is pants optional.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
