You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
