I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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