i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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