I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Too much gin, very little bucket
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
