hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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