Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
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also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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