i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
