Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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