life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
this hospital has no fireball
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize