oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
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she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
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Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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