You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
