Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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