Jerry, you need to find god
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
A bitchslap is in order.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
