and you said cock pushups were impossible
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
