And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
