you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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