so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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