I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize