After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
