im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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