I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
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She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
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i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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