Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
