I got chris browned last night
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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