Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
