Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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