why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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