I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
