I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
