I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
