There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
