I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
